12.12.07

It breaks, my heart.
No one to hold my wind beaten
Fingers between theirs.
Another one of those tired nights.
Why doesn't anything real ever happen
To me?
I dream & write & talk to others about
Their problems, but I have no
Suffering for myself.
Those nights are hard sometimes
My body shakes.
My eyes tremble.
I want to drive or walk.
Smoke.
Something.
That might provoke the feelings
To quench themselves against my
Always smiling face.
It would be helpful to think that maybe
There is a real reason why my
Fingers are weak against the pen
& I want to curl inside myself.

The boys are everywhere.
All with names & faces & bodies
To speak & feel & touch
But all carrying with them
Emptiness; pretty boxes.
The truth of the matter is
Al the end of the day
I am alone.
I am different, alien, estranged.
I am broken into so many pieces
& I can't figure out how I became
So disassembled.
Feeling so much burns my bones.
Sears my marrow
Serves my fried nerves up to
Petty sorrow.
I don't know what I need to
Feel better but I am so
Drained & desperate for a break
From reality.
That must be why I want all
Those boys.

They are my drug.
I can have them for a few
Hours
Get off
Then buy more later
FUCK!
I WANT TO BLEED.

and I'm skipping class tomorrow.

10.29.07

An explanation of my promiscuity.
There is no promise of continuity.
I get to feel hands & teeth
& nails scratching down my body.

I'm required to give nothing back.
But after a while, energy loses tack.
My emotions nauseate the deepest
pits & bile & gall prepare to attack.

Savage raw tears begin to flow.
The hole in my heart begins to grow.
A void that splits & tears
Invoking bruises that break with every blow.

Shove your fingers into my hair
& pull the strands attached there.
The dark dyed pieces will
Fall, leaving a small spot on my head bare.

My teeth will be the next to go.
I'll reach inside to grab & throw
My loosened molars out from raw
Gums & give them to my grave to sow.

My toes will grow inside my feet.
Inverted to stumps & completely indiscreet
As walking is completely out of the
Question & must stagger down the street.

Dragging myself, scraping skin down to bone.
I'll look down to see that my own
Blood is making love to the pavement.
But the pain is numbed and I am so alone.

At last my eyes will fall out of my head.
No longer will I wait to have a soft bed
To capture & hold me & carry me
Off to soft pastures & brightness of dead.

***

Once upon a time, I was part of a slam group on campus that never really did much other than meet once a week and write a lot. I was always writing about "hippie shit" as the leader of the group would call it, and he wanted me to challenge myself by writing something dark, repulsive and showing some evidence of a rhyming scheme. This is the product.

10.19.07

My two eyes are windows to a wasteland. All is waiting until
waiting. My dirty legs fill the waste bins & leg holders of
mobile chairs. I even long for the glares. The stares. Something
to know at least they see me. My eyes are gone, pulled from my
head by the savage instincts of man with power. He stripped
me & gave me just enough to keep me alive. Worse than a
beating heart; a working brain. A power house that burns & turns
& breaks to pieces & puts itself back together again & falls apart
again, like crackers tumble from a parched & toothless mouth. A
mouth that says "There's no more left" & laughs your soot into the
nightness of death. Tonight should be the end of me, but sure as
suffering is suffering my heart will beat through the night &
another blind morning will I wake.

September 8

Butterfly effect sending

S h o c k w a v e s

Through my senses
On the other side of the Earth
S p l i t s , Shifts, Shakes
Me up.

So close,

I don't want to move

So close,

I don't want to make you look

Minute gestures that reach through my unawareness
& wake me up
& open my eyes
To your eyes, when they hold me

still.

Brown gems that
Captivate,
Capture,
Pillage & plunder
My running
Dialogue.

Tell me how your feelings
move.
With those chocolate diamonds.

This sweet little game
Boils new.
Waiting for small moments
When small windows are passed
& glimpses inside are
F l e e t i n g
Tiny opportunities
Flecked over time
Similarities with
Your skin.

Warm curls
Shaped carlessly

Freely

Like your spirit can't be [contained]

Membrane Pain

Unfocused
Blurring of the vision
I cannot see
My future
& I try not to care.

Why must everything be black & white?
Why must I plan?
Why must I try?
Always, struggling
Fighting myself.
Why can't I just do?

At crossroads.
I don't know what is next.
I am rebelling
Against my domestic veins.
My wings strapped tight
Chaffing
Flesh ripping & bleeding
Under bindings
Wrapping body & mind & soul

I am a prisoner behind the bars
Of my teeth
Chained to the back
Of my skull
Pulling at the membrane
Trying to make room
For this big thing I feel.

Simple & complex
Complex & simple
They are different
& the same
Simultaneously
They are funny & serious
Hot & cold
Long & short
Existential & real
Real
Real REal
Reality...
What the fuck is reality?

We are losing ourselves
Our world
To a bank of illusions
Holograms
A belief system.
Currency...
Is it synonymous to God?
Individuality...
Are we becoming one destructive voice?
Difference...
What happened to diversity?

Or am I just in the wrong part of the world?

Let's With

Mmm... Let's go somewhere hidden & secret where we can
Be soft with each other.
Let's define the word Electricity.
Let's create the word Voltage.
Let's embrace each other.
Feel our arms around each other.
We were made for this.
We were made for touching
& loving.
So love me true & I will return the honesty.
This is humanity.
The arms & hands & fingers
We were given to touch with;
To love with.
Let's love each other with these
Nerves we were born with.
Let's fire up this passion we were given
To feel with.
Let's make love
With these bodies we were given
To love with.

I love that look that makes me say "What?"

I love that look that makes me say "What?"
& makes you chuckle & say "Nothing."
I know it isn't nothing.
Or... is it really nothing at all?
Please tell me that it's something
Because that look flips my heart.
"Could he really like me?"
Maybe?
Oh so implausible it is.
Miles apart.
Breaking a hea... no. A mind.
Breaking a prom... no.
No, those promises were broken
Before I got there to break them myself.
"She made the decision for us."

What am I to you?
Nothing at all.
Nothing, & so you are nothing to me.
It's about god damn time
I took a risk in the name of
Myself.

But with all risks comes a scare.
Is it real?
My feet are planted firmly.
I see it how it is.
Possibilities in place...
Will he be there to give me a
Little wish?
Doors open & there he is to say
"Bravo."
Or will he not?
His absence will prove nothing
But his presence will prove it:
Worth.

My tired beaten heart can't be unsure anymore.
My bank account of naivety
Is all over-drawn.
It all comes down to:
What is it worth?

I like the way you make me feel
& I think you like the way I make you feel.
I am happy when I am with you.
Could there be much more to ask for?

It seems like such a small action was taken.
"I think I'm starting to really like you."
But I am scared to death

One step forward, Seven steps back

Reach & pull
Reach & pull
Gasp for air
Smothered

Life sucking
Drowning
In their words
Words
Eating up the air
Eating up the space
Invading senses, thrashing
A beaten heart
Like a paparazzi
Driving to crash
Puncturing lungs

One step forward
Seven steps back
Arms flail out
Reaching for something more
Something
With meaning
Feeling
Someone who really cares
Crowds no longer safe
Retreat
Into books
Retreat
Into self

They break you up
You run away
To glue it back together
One step forward
Seven steps back
Blind sheep in a herd
Hollaring madly
& you placate
Because you are
A Good Man

The Soundest I Ever Sleep

Good morning to you
In one large beautiful bed
Fitted, bedding floating around
You. Large & luxurious
You
Soft
I sink into you

Arm reaches around me
Perfect
You pull me close
Puzzled matching puzzle pieces
A slim fit
A nose at my nape
Breathing deeply

Fingers make a pattern
Yours then mine, yours then mine
Ten times
Held to our chests
Dissolves
Levitates
All is floating in your bed
With you

in vinum vos reperio veritas

Watching hearts break
Crack, bleed
Running out, screaming in the streets
"Why have you forsaken me?"
Like the beast he strangles
That which he loves
Because he doesn't know where to put his pain.
A beautiful mind
Darkened
Hardened
Waiting for a patient listener
To hear his screams
Screams of pain he'll be damned if anyone hears
Because he has been hurt before.
Looking into fogged mirrors
He's afraid to clear the glass
For what he may see there.
Let's give him courage.
The power to overcome himself.
It's the hardest thing he'll ever do.
Eyes sealed shut for years fly open &
Welcome the intoxication of life.
Life he never knew he could have.
Love he never knew he could feel.
A world he never knew existed.
A girl he never knew until now.
A helper in a plain pair of jeans
Seeking
To be a mover and a shaker.
To rattle the world up and make them think.
Make them listen to things they don't want to hear.
Truths about themselves.
Are they afraid?
I know the pain.
The gut wrenching nausea that makes you
Cling
To your sheets and the anger that
Drives
Your fist into the wall.
"All I ever wanted was to love you."
Is the phrase you scream
While you dig your nails into your palms.
Willing the blood to come and pour.

STOP.
Listen.
Feel the beat of your heart.
Taste the air in your mouth.
Feel the blood rush in your veins
S l o w
t h e n f a s t e r
& f a s t e r
FASTER
Until the rush to your head fills you up
& you smile
& you can't stop it.
& suddenly, you have the answer
& you are infinite.