Translucent

I'm broken. I don't know what I want.
I want him... then I want him & him & him... then I don't.
Then I want him to be as far away from me...
But then I want him...
Mouths & necks & teeth on skin/biting hips
Tracing thighs with fingertips...
Then I'm falling apart to numbers & names
& years that separate me from things beyond
My ability to control.

I don't know how to stop.

But he wants me & I melt again
Into his lap,
Fingernails on my hips,
In my hair,
I sink & stumble...
I can't stand on my own.
He validates my existance.

He is behind the bars of her.
She crowds him;
Occupies his eyes so he can't see me.
Really see me.

So I'm a happy image,
A cosmetic doll
Sprayed & painted & pushed up & nothing more
But for display.
I'm a happy drunk moment forgotten by morning.

Try me buttons everywhere but no one wants to take me home.

To keep forever & feed my intrigue
My brain that is so alone.

A weakening embraces evades
Curls my toes.

Just walk away. Leave it be.
She's there behind you
Watching you through walls & vines
& birds around my head
Inside my mind.
Attention sure...

This place I'm in is so alone.

Succumb to the Pressure

The pressure behind my ears is harder to ignore when it comes in the form of
fingers grazing free hair on my neck standing up and feeling,
feeding on the electric deception floating,
milling just underneath,
shallow,
almost t r a n s l u c e n t.
A bottle of Diablo, blood red core, &
waiting... waiti n g... w a i t i n g...

for the cork to succumb to the pressure.

Hurt & wine find a way to make you sick. Maybe if you vomit enough, the pain will purge too. Tears explode & release outside your body,

but

if you squint, you'll never let her see you

cry.

Being

I live for moments when time stops and you just breathe.
Close your eyes, inhale, and wrap your soul around existance.
Laying in cool grass, blades pricking at your arms;
Breeze brushing over, thin and secret;
Naturally elegant.
Carrying in it something grander than I can imagine being.
Universes everywhere. Every being loaded with a story for why.
Foreign places with different languages.
Multilinguality learned by
Feeling...
Hearing...
Touching...
Seeing...
Experiencing love and hate and hurt.
You run with a smile, hit a thing invisible
Spin, fall, shake, clear the dizziness.
Get up and go again. Spin faster. Fall harder.
Scrapes deeper, gashing knees and palms, bleeding and crying.
Tears pour. They trickle. Drip. Dry.
You wrap your wounds and walk away and tell your tale.
Regret not because you've learned not to run when the floor is wet.
The scar remains, has changed your terrain. You will look and remember.
Embrace the memory. You have learned something new.
Reach out for more knowledge. Explore yourself. Kiss the girl.
Kiss the boy. Kiss the arm, pull it above the head. Enjoy.
Smiles infect and invade. Like sweet remnants of candy it lingers on your mouth.
You're beautiful that way.
I hope I did something to effect someone today. An unknown kindness noticed and cherished.
Connecting. Connecting.
To people, to my earth. Wrapping my soul around everything there is to know.
To know what hurt is. To know what love is.
To know what everything-in-between is.
To spread out and feel from your core, electrifying, travelling and reaching out the ends
Of your
Fingertips

Missing ________

Content.
Schedules full. Every hour precise.
Skipped lunch again.
She said I looked thinner.
Thank you so much.
I want that. To be thinner.
I'm brainwashed to believe it will make me better.
Or, at least equal.
Desirable.
Perfect sparkling skin. Tanned... smooth.
Heart shaped lips. Curves... everywhere.
Big beautiful eyes.
Eyes that see.
X-rays for a soul.
Your soul.
I know what you did.
I see what you're doing.
Stop. Please STOP.
Before it's too late. Before we lose you to them.
Be the person I first met.
Stop indulging in their attention.
They only use you. Emotionally abuse you.
Hypocrite. I tell you not to do exactly what I'm doing.
I don't know.
All I really know is that I want you to be yourself.
I don't want you to change like you are.
I don't want you to forget what's important.
Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve.
I'm trying my best to lock mine back in my chest.
But yours still dangles off your wrist.
Like bait for ravenous feelings of lonliness.
You'll know what to do if you look.
If you accept.
Be my friend, or don't. Choose.
Stop making me doubt you.
I can see who you can be.
YOU ARE DIFFERENT.
Love it.
For your own sake.

I don't know you anymore

Your face.
What does it look like now? That true gleam in your eye.
I saw it once. Then you hid it from me.
I saw it again. And you hid it again.
It's you who I saw. A real you I've only seen twice.
Two periods of time in which you placed your trust in me.
How long will you behave like a pendulum?

Memories I have of you and me.
Not youandme. YOU and ME.
A friendship I thought I had.
Then I thought I lost.
Again I thought I had.
Again I feel I've lost.

It's hard to care so fondly for
A creature who keeps shifting shapes.
A chameleon longing for an identity that
Allows him to blend in with the rest.

But you ARE different. And you can't handle it.
You can't accept nor embrace it. Anything that points you to the
Truth you push away. You like her because she makes you feel normal.
You resent me because I allow you, encourage you, to let it go and
Be different.

I am at my most content when you acknowledge me.
It affects me only because I can't handle your
Perputually shifting moods.
One minute, you're my friend and I feel I can't doubt that.
The next, you're a stranger to me, shutting me out.

I'm sorry if that kiss damaged us.
I'm sorry I overstayed my welcome.
I shouldn't have let my lonliness transform into
Impulse.
One gets the urge to cling to their friend's love when such love feels
Absent in a place one once called home.
Of course, you haven't left home so you
Cannot empathize.

I hate that you frustrate me.
I want to know where our friendship vanished to.
I wonder if it was friendship at all.
Was it an act? A lie? A fake?
I can't tell if you're for real or if you just desire to humor me.

Time time time. I consistently remind myself that these things take time.
But will it just be another cycle?
Another swing on the pendulum?
Will I feel elated by your kindness and faux friendship only to be
Let down when you get tired of me?
I am not a comfort piece you can pull off your shelf and fix up when
You need to feel better.
Neither is anyone else.

But of course
I'll be there when you call on me because
I am a true, caring individual.
But would you always be there for me?
No.
You have let me down before.

Who are you?
Why are you here?
What do you want?
What really makes you happy?

Don't offer your bed to me if you don't want to share your pillow.
I thought we had this understanding that it is all in the name of
Friendship.
These were understandings that didn't osmose.
Now I'm left here,
Questioning your motivation and your true feelings.

Why don't you tell me what's going on?
Or are you content with making me one of your many objects of
Annoyance and ridicule.
I poke fun with you, but I never thought I would become
The Ass.